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Script for "History of the entire world I guess" by Bill wurtz

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth—star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything
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History of the entire world I guess

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth—star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything
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A week in the life of your favorite firearm dealer 8/10/2020 PLUS ADDED PANDEMIC GUN SHOW COVERAGE!

Monday 8/10/2020 to Thursday 8/13/2020
I won't do the play by play. It's more fun to just amalgamate the highlight reel of the week.
I get call after call from people looking for 380 and 9mm ammo. One notable dialogue at 8PM
1: You have any 380 ammo?
Me: Yes, I have 7 boxes yet
1: How much?
Me: 20 to a box, 50 each
1: Great we can come pick it up now!
Me: It's 8PM and I've already left for the day. Come in tomorrow
1: But we need it now.
Me: I'm not heading back to work to sell a box of ammo.
1: Oh come on! I called you! You should be able to help me!
Me: I am, during normal business hours. But if you really want 2 boxes - $100 bill and I'll head back in.
1: ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS? YOU JUST TOLD ME IT WAS TWENTY!
Me: Twenty to a box, 50 bucks each box times two boxes
1: That's highway robbery! That's price gouging!
Me: Go look online. Nobody has any 380 ammo. And if they do it is $1 or $2 per round.
1: That's ridiculous! You're not the only guy in town that has 380 ammo!
(Editors note: She calls back the next day asking for 380 ammo. Apparently I am the only guy in town that has 380 ammo. I tell her there's a new policy. No ammo sales to people who have not bought firearms.)
One of my surgeon customers calls me telling me his lead nurse who hates guns wants to buy a gun. I tell them to come on down. Her whole family and the doc come in and I have this dialogue.
1: Can you suggest a gun for someone who hates guns?
Me: That's like a vegan walking into a steakhouse and saying "whats a good steak for a vegan?" - there's no real good way to do it and everything I can suggest you is sold out and then some.
1: Well what do you have here?
Me: That's a Glock 17, here take a look.
(Unload and show clear, hand her a Glock 17)
1: OH MY GOD THIS IS SO HEAVY!
Me: That's one of the lightest full size firearms ever made.
1: Do you have something with a safety? I love safeties. The more the better. If you have a gun with 150 safetys, that's something I would be interested in.
(I glare at the doc)
Me: I've only got three or four different model pistols left in stock. Here try out this springfield XD-S.....
1: I don't like this thing in the grip here the bump....
Me: You mean the grip safety?
1: yes
1: What happened to "I love safties the more the better"
(Doc nearly inhales his surgical mask from laughing)
She hates guns and wants to go rent a bunch of guns before buying any guns but I explain the problem is you can go rent something, fall in love with it and the dealer can't get one for a year. Case in point: Glock 19's, Sig 365's and Springfield Hellcats. She believes she is not ready to buy a gun until she rents one. I tell her go to a range and go rent one and find out what she likes.
She has just taken a "safety course" offered by the local girl and a gun chapter. The local girl and a gun chapter is run by a middle aged woman who has NRA instructor creds that is the WORST FIREARM INSTRUCTOR I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE with the possible exception of James Yaeger. The last time I was at one of her events she was using the "mugger in a hoodie" paper targets and she instructed all the women to shoot him in the balls during one course of fire.
Now, I wasn't wearing my Caltech shirt that day but the fast math and trig is as follows.
Person shooting at a target 10 feet from the bench at a downward angle with a backstop of dirt 50 feet behind the bench...
I was trying to fix someone's gun before I could do anything. I am concentrated on fixing this pistol and the first volley of gunfire breaks my concentration. I then hear the sound of dozens of 9mm projectiles hitting the concrete and skipping off the property. I drop the pistol and shout at the top of my lungs a cease fire and evetyone looks at me funny
Me: KAREN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
1: Oh they're just girls, let them have their fun!
Me: ALL THE BULLETS ARE LEAVING THE PROPERTY!
1: What? No! How?
(I point at all the ricochet gouges on the concrete of the gun club)
1: Ohhhhhh
This woman is barely qualified to run a dairy queen much less instruct neophyte gun owners. Holy fucking shit. Why are people going to her? She's open, and she's a woman that has credentials that "can teach".
Yeah.
One day I head to lunch at the local pizza joint for lunch with Megan. Eddie makes a nice pizza and I sit down and have a pie. We rap about business as I eat my antipasato and wait for my freshly prepared clam pie to cool down a bit. It's not on the menu but he makes it special for us.
Me: hey eddie how's business?
ed: It's steady, lots of takeout.
Me: Its a tough economy I'd take it!
ed: Hey now!
Me: You doing okay?
ed: yeah I found that derringer I wanted at the last gun show!
Me: Oh really?
ed: Yeah! Someone ceracoted it tiffany blue and magenta
Me: Whoa whoa whoa! Please! I'm trying to eat here! Disgusting!
(Megan is drinking water and nearly does a spit take)
This is the world we're living in now.
Speaking of the new world... I wind up working a deal with a friend and we split 100k pcs of once fired lake city 5.56 brass. A local military contractor was doing some testing and they had a fucking ton of it and this is what was left. We got it for the cost of manpower to scrape it up and load it, clean it, tumble it and sort it and deprime and resize it.
My friend has two kids that are doing online learning with school, so he made them a deal. He cut the kiddos a deal to help him clean and resize and deprime the brass as labor.
We're into this stuff CHEAP. So we can sell it cheap or whatever the fuck we want in this market. I tell Ray I've got the perfect ad. We get some projectiles, some powder and primers and we run an ad. "5.56 ammo! $275/thousand! Some assembly required!" and Ray laughs his ass off.
The we got it was it was loaded into some wooden ammo crates that were left over at the contractors facility. They're heavy, not cost effective to ship and came with 5000 pcs of brass each. Ray gets an idea. He has discovered that if we portion it out and throw out or sell the wooden crates, we save a ton of money on shipping.
I wonder where he got this idea from. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nozIkRy0v-M
The kiddos load all the brass into USPS flat rate boxes in no time flat and we've got ourselves loaded ready to roll product that can ship immediately. His kids did the legwork in the loading on account of my bad back and I'm tasked with lining up buyers. No problem. I start working the local gun boards, my customers, myspace, etc. You know the usual spots.
This is where the wheels come off the wagon. I get a guy who comes right out the gate asking for 9k and then he blurts out "How much do you have, I'm interested in all of it"
Little hint for the readers. Anyone that says they're interested in everything you have are interested in nothing you have. They're blowing smoke 99% of the time and the 1% of the time that someone does buy everything you have, you're making a killing off them or they're making a killing off you. You know the old saying in poker - if you sit down at the table and you can't find the sucker in 5 minutes, you're the sucker? It's like that.
Anyhow, my ad reads as follows: $125/thousand 5.56 Brass Lake City cleaned, sorted, resized, trimmed and polished - DILLON 1050 READY!
The guy calling me wanting 9k then asked how much I had left - he lines up 9 of his friends and they want to take ALL of it and divvy it up. Pick up today or when the guys can get off of work and come get it, they're working back asswards logistics as to who's truck is going to haul all of it, who's loading it and unloading and they plan to show up at 630 tonight after work to come get it.
At 445 I get a message - hey can you send me a picture again one of my friends wants to check something and I send it over.
And that's when the entire deal falls apart because this butthead read 5.56 brass lake city NATO headstamp $125/thousand and thought he was getting loaded 5.56 NATO spec ammo for 12.5 cents a round in 2020, told all his friends about it and shot his mouth off like a damn fool. Now he has to explain to every single one of his friends that no you're not getting 10,000 rds of 5.56 NATO ammo for $1250. Wasting my fucking time. That was my Thursday. All these people begging for ammo are driving me nuts. Yes, I have 250,000 rds of ammo. No I am not going to bend over backwards and sell it to you cheap just to be a nice person/earn your business/because your sister gave me a handjob in high school. God damn.
Lady calls me looking for 380 ammo. She needs some for her CCW class that Karen is teaching and I tell her I have some left. She comes in and I tell her it's $50 a box. She leaves without buying anything.
There's other miscellany but you get the gist of it.
NOW here's the meat and potatoes you've wanted! The tale of the gun show!
Friday 8/14/2020
I take inventory. I'm down to about 500 guns in stock and I pack as much as I can and get it ready for the show. I've got some Sigs left, a handful of Glock and a mishmash of everything else. I head to bed early knowing full well the next show will be a total shitshow. I have not done a show in a big city for nearly six months. This will be epic or epic fail.
Saturday 8/15/2020
I pull chocks at 430AM, hit the flying J for diesel and pull into the local grocery store for a sandwich at 7AM right around the corner from the gun show. They fuck up my sandwich. Serves me right for buying morning of. Fuck me to tears. I start loading into the show and the entire front of the building is set up with crowd control barriers and it takes me an extra 40 minutes to thread the needle of my hand truck and loadout. I get the table setup as fast as I can and by 9AM the doors are open and we are off to the races. I will do hour blocks instead of my previous play by play for simplicity.
9AM: Right out the gate I have people asking me for Sig 365's. I have a used one with three mags and a holster I have tagged at $650. The guy asks me if I can do any better. I ask him if he's feeling lucky. I run the 4473 bet with him.
He fills out the form straight on the first shot, no corrections - and he gives me $650, he gets $50 back with his ID.
If there's a correction to be made, I keep half a yard. He says its a bet. He loses.
As I write that up at $650, I have another guy snag a regular 365 for $700. Both their background checks clear quickly.
The morning is not off to a bad start, I think to myself. I'm about to be proven wrong massively.
One of my old friends from high school asked me to liquidate some of his collection and I told him that I would selectively cherry pick some stuff and haul it to the show since I didn't want to commit large amounts of table space for other people's guns. He's got a super clean Century M70 underfolder. It's clean even by century standards but I don't want to buy that gun.
I have it out on the table and an old romanian guy starts checking it out.
1: What country is this from?
FC: I'm not a big AK guy, it's a century so I'm guessing maybe yugoslavia or maybe romania - I don't think that its a bulgarian one, but you're welcome to take a look
1: Does it say cugir?
FC: It does not
1: How do you know it does not say cugir?
FC: I can see the side of it it does not say that
1: Where does it not say?
FC: If you look at the side of the receiver, Century has shitty electropencil that is parkerized over that you can barely read
1: Do you have some oil I can put on there to rub on it so I can read it?
FC: Look, I'll read it. What do you want to know?
1: Does it say cugir?
FC: it does not.
1: What does it say?
FC: Century M70 AB2 7.62 x 39 Georgia Vermont
1: it does not say cugir? I am romanian if it says cugir is romanian
FC: It does not say that
1: Come on then make me a deal!
(1 taps the price tag marked at $850)
FC: It's the first 20 minutes of the show, I'm not making anything on the deal it's a favor for a friend of mine. I think that gun sells down here for top dollar.
1: I give you 600 cash
FC: Come see me at the end of the show maybe I'll be amenable to discounting but not this early
1: You know problem with topcover right?
(FC looks at topcover, it's slightly off from the hole and detent. Why? IT'S A CENTURY! WHAT DID YOU FUCKING EXPECT?!?! The care and attention to detail that only Jim Fuller from Rifle Dynamics or maybe a Bulgarian Arsenal offers? Fuck you.)
FC: This gun is gonna sell this weekend as is where is, even if you think it's not right.
1: Come on make me deal!
FC: I don't negotiate with terrorists or people spending under $10k. This ain't over $10k.
1: I have cash!
FC: Got $850? We'll write it up right now.
(1 walks away and comes back 3 minutes later)
1, while holding a wad of cash: Come on make me a deal!
FC: What's your offer?
1: I will go $700
FC: Come see me at the end of the show on Sunday and I'll see what I can do.
(1 gets yelled at by the county exhibition authority for not wearing a face mask correctly and he adamantly refuses to adjust his mask and starts a full blown screaming match with the poor county employee who VERY politely asked him to wear his face mask properly. As he is engaged in this animated debate, two individuals who I will call 2 and 3 show up. 2 and 3 want the underfolder AK. 2 and 3 are what we would call hip hop/droopy jean enthusiasts, their dialogue is presented word for word without adjustment. They were dropping the hard r, not me so please don't call me names for reporting the truth.)
2: ohhhhh snapppp this is what I came here lookin for!
3: damn nigga thats a straight up choppa right there you should buy that
1: HEY I WAS HERE FIRST I AM MAKING DEAL! BACK OFF!
FC: No, you walked away - these two gentlemen are here and now they're interested in that gun and I'm giving them my time.
1: BUT I WAS HERE FIRST HOLDING CASH!
2: back off nigga I'm here to check out stuff motherfucker i'm gonna mess you up
3: yeah man back the fuck off before my nigga messes you up god damn shieeeeeeit
1: I AM HERE! HOLDING CASH! YOU GOING TO DO BUSINESS WITH ME?
FC: You walked away. This is what happens when you walk away. It's their turn......
1: BUT I AM HERE WE ARE MAKING DEAL
(FC does an ACTUAL facepalm and presses his forehead and feels a headache beginning. A deep sigh)
FC: You two.....you're killing me here.
1: I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING DEAL AND YOU DON'T WANT TO DEAL!
FC: You want to see deal? I'll show you deal!
(FC grabs AK from the hip hop enthusiasts and looks right at them while holding an order pad in right hand and rifle in other)
FC: You got $750 cash?
2: nigga I got $750 cash right here (pulls out wad of 100's)
3: oh shit that guy gonna get fuckin SWOOPED
FC: You want me to write this up right now? $750 cash. And I'll throw in 4 mags (I pull out 4 mags loaded with x39 brown bear)
2: I GET THE MAGS AND THE AMMO FOR THAT PRICE? FUCK NIGGA YOU GOT A DEAL! (he counts out $800 in c-notes and drops his ID on the table)
FC: You got yourself a rifle.
(I look back at angry romanian)
FC: That's a deal. You passed. Move faster next time.
1: I AM STANDING HERE! HOLDING CASH!
(1 throws down a stack of cash on the table, some falls behind on my table. I pick it back up and place it on his stack)
FC: You dropped some back here, don't want you thinking I shorted you or stole your money. I've got to write up these gentlemen, we're here until 5 today if you need anything else
1: (shouts at me in angry romanian while gesticulating like George Costanza complaining to Elaine about taking credit for the big salad)
FC: I'm sorry about that guy, he's got some issues. That man needs therapy not another gun
2: all good nigga all good that mofo gonna get his ass beat someday
FC: Today I didn't even have to use my AK, I got to say it was a good day
3: sheeeeeit he knows ice cube! this nigga og!
FC: Catholic school for the win!
(we fist bump)
I piss off at least one person every show. Sometimes it's good to get it out of the way in the first hour, lets you concentrate on the bigger picture things.
Three down.
10AM: Guy points at a green Glock 43 and Glock 19 Gen 4 that I have. They're each tagged at $725. Cash comes out and I write up the sale. Three women in a row snag black Glock 43's from me at $700 each. We are cranking now!
Eight down before lunch. This is getting wild.
11AM: Colt Lightweight Commander - tagged at $1050. Sells for cash. Colt Combat Unit - tagged at $1450 Sells for cash. Glock 19 MOS Gen 4 - tagged at $825. Sells for cash. Two of them back to back. Gen 4 straight 19 tagged at 775 sells on Amex. Background checks begin to start bogging down.
Thirteen down before I can even touch my sammich.
12PM: I write up three ruger LCP's in a row at $300 each. I eat half my sandwich as I sell a Kel Tec Sub 2000 at $825. Springfield Hellcat tagged at $735 goes out on a mastercharge.
Eighteen before I'm done with lunch. Sheeeeit.
1PM: My old buddy Rusty Shackleford sends me some of his collection he does not want the hassle with selling. Three ugly as sin Glock 21's, three semi clean Glock 17's and two super like new 17's. 1PM is profitable as I manage to sell everything except for a 21 and 17. People are paying $650 for PD trade 21's and $700+ on trade in Glock 17's. Why? They're the only ones in the show. Not glocks in general, I mean 21's and 17's.
Twenty four down and I have yet to finish my sandwich.
2PM: I have an immigrant from another country come over and try to buy a gun. He's super patient waiting for me to finish with customers that DO NOT STOP. Springfield XD goes out at $600. That's 25. He hands me the clipboard and I immediately stop everything I'm doing and I look down at the form.
Not only has he forgotten 10A and 12.d.2 but he's put the city in the county box and answered the firearm is not for him and he's been convicted of misdemeanor DV. I sigh and hand the form back to him for corrections.
FC: Okay, what county are we in?
1: (names city)
FC: What COUNTY are we in?
1: oh! USA!
FC: What COUNTY is this city in?
1: (names city)
FC: We're in (names county)
1: Ohhhhh thats right
FC: Who's this gun for? You or someone else?
1: Me
FC: Is there any reason you've indicated you are NOT the actual purchaser?
1: Not good at reading the form I guess
FC: Strike out intiial and date the change
1: Okay
FC: Have you been convicted of a misdemanor crime of domestic violence?
1: No it was just a misdemeanor
FC: Is there a reason why you said "yes I have been convicted of a misdemeanor crime of domestic violence?"
1: oh man I screwed that up
FC: Initial and date the change
(He fixes the front of the form and signs on 14 and dates on 15. I turn the page. He's written his passport number expiration date in the ID field and indicated that NICS has denied him)
FC: Is there any reason you wrote your passport expiration date and number here?
1: Well I'm supposed to do that, right?
(FC points to line that says SECTION B MUST BE COMPLETED BY SELLER)
1: Oh man
FC: Is there any reason you checked DENIED on the NICS result box?
1: did I do that?
(FC points to the box where he's put a big bold X under DENIED)
1: Was I not supposed to do that?
(FC hands him another form to complete)
3PM: It is now over an hour to get this 4473 done. His wife and child have to help him with the form. I finish my sammich as I look at the front of his form and it is still marked "firearm is being purchased for someone not me" and he has to correct it. I turn the page. The date is marked 9/8/2020.
FC: What day is today?
1: Saturday
FC: No I mean what day is today, what calendar day?
(1 pulls out his phone)
1: Oh. You want me to do another form?
FC: No, strike out using a single line. And using WORDS - write the date.
1: gotcha
(FC looks down at the form. the date is struck out using a single line. It now reads in words SATURDAY 9/8/2020)
FC: What day is it?
1: It's saturday.
FC: Saturday the.........
1: Fifteeenth?
FC: Then explain why this says 9/8/2020?
1: Oh man you want me to do another form?
FC: Just fill it out using WORDS AS THE DATE - MONTH/DAY/YEAR
1: okay I got you
(FC hands the form back for correction)
1: I got it now! Man was that hard!
(FC looks down at the form. SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 8 2020)
FC: Take out your phone
(1 takes out his phone and presses the home button)
FC: Look at the date. What does it say and look at what you wrote.
1: Oh man
FC: Is it possible for us to get the correct date?
1: Yeah man I'm so sorry....
FC: Take out your phone and write out the date in letters and words EXACTLY AS YOUR PHONE DISPLAYS IT
1: Okay I can do that
(FC looks down at the form. 3:23 SATURDAY AUGUST 15. Fuck it, this is as good as it gets.)
FC: Close enough. Give me your ID.
(I write up my last Glock 19. It's tagged at $825. He pays cash without blinking.)
I mean, I've seen some shit but WOWWWW.
That's 26.
4PM: The rest of my glocks fly off the table. NIB Glock 36 - tagged at $725, gone. NIB Glock 30SF, tagged at $700, gone. NIB Glock 30, tagged at $700, gone. The only thing left on the table are 17 Gen 5 MOS's at $875 and 43X's at $775 and 44's at $400. That's 29 by 4PM. One guy does not have current ID so I have him go on the fish and game website on his phone and get a fishing license that gets me his up to date address. After 20 minutes he emails me a screencap and he's on his way home with his Glock 30.
5PM: Time to go home! I drop a stack of guns off at the local dealer for transfer on my way out the door and I make it home just before 7PM after stopping at the grocery to pick up dinner. I have a platter of fried chicken and mac and cheese. It is delicious. I get to bed early, tomorrow is going to be a long fucking day.
Sunday August 16th
737AM. I wake up and get my ass to my desk. I need to replenish some of the table. I grab stacks of more guns and get them loaded up and I swing by the grocery store deli on the way to the show. It's 8AM and they are out of bread. As in the bakery has not baked them any bread for sandwiches. For fucks sake. They make me a wrap instead. And they make it WRONG. I am not happy.
10AM: Get to the show and uncover my tables and get cranking. A millennial wants a Ruger LC380 and her fucking debit card does not work. This is why you bring cash to gun shows. It's fucking useless when technology fails AND YOU HAVE NO BACKUP. She transfers money from wells fargo to her boyfriends account at chase and he tries to use the ATM to get her cash. No dice. I swear to jebus, if you take debit cards away from this generation all of them will starve to death and die alone. Gun number 30 for the weekend is hard fought but it's done.
11AM: Crank off a Sig 1911 for a guy. He sends a stand in to pick it up for him since his son is exempt from waiting period but he isn't. It goes like this.
1: I'm gonna buy this gun instead
FC: why?
1: that's none of your business
FC: Yes it is. Purchase of firearm with intent to resell is unlawful
1: What I do with the gun after I get it, if I want to sell it to my dad is my business not yours
FC: No dice. Take a hike
Dad: Lets just do it his way, he wants to give it to the other dealer that's what we'll do. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
I write up 31 for the weekend. My jack sack is full of cash.
12PM: I got a guy come over, former law enforcement wanting to buy his kid a gun. He wants to do the paperwork and pay me and the gun is for his kid. I say if the gun is for the kid, he needs to do it. I shake off the forms and get the kid on the clipboard and everything goes smooth and I rack up a sale for a trade in FN FNS. That's 32.
1PM: Old school NYPD beat cop comes over wanting a deal on a springfield 1911 Long Beach Operator
1: They're 1911's! They're not popular anymore! Make me a deal!
FC: ANYTHING with a barrel and a trigger is popular right now. Best deal you're getting is on the tag, which is 1250 plus tax and call in that puts you right near 1350.
1: Come on, hook a brother up!
FC: That's the rate on everything, we're selling it out as fast as we can get it! Excuse me as I help these other people......
2PM: Lady comes by and says she wants a shield EZ. I ask her why. She says her man and her firearm instructor says she cant rack the slide. I pick up a Sig 220 off the table and tell her to show me. She racks the slide. I ask her how does it feel to rack a slide properly? She spends the rest of the day wondering why they lied to her. Another lady asks me for suggestions for a first gun. I ask her what she's shot before. Answer: Nothing. She cannot rent guns and try them out because every range is booked for firearm rentals for the next 2 months out. Yeah.........
Brooklyn 99 comes back over and taps on the LB operator
1: Come on man, hook a brother up!
FC: That's the price, the LB operators are a sexy gun and they're not coming out of the warehouse very often
1: Come on brother! I'm just looking for a deal! How about 1200 all in?
FC: Cash or card?
1: Card
FC: No dice.
1: Come on brother! (more pleading for a discount)
At this point the crowd at the table has heard this guy trying to get a discount for a few minutes and I've had enough.
FC: Let me ask you a question
1: Sure thing
FC: Do you have pictures of my nephews on your phone?
1: No
FC: Did you spend thanksgiving dinner at my house?
1: No
FC: Are you a named beneficiary on my will?
1: No
FC: Then guess what? You're not my brother. Hell, without your money you're not even my customer.
You could hear the snickers from the peanut gallery as I gave the guy a dressing down. I wasn't about to let him off the hook. I still had an out in the deck to play and I was going to use it.
FC: Now, if you want this gun - you want it at a discount, I respect that. Here's what I"ll do. You feeling lucky?
1: Always!
FC: Here's the clipboard. Give me a straight form, no strike outs, no errors, no mistakes, NOTHING that needs correction - I'll give it to you for 1200 on a card flat. I hand the pen back to you to fix something, I write it at 1400 all in. $200's the action, you in or you out?
1: getoutttahere
FC: I'm serious. You want the discount, get the form right and you got what you want. If there's even one error, I keep the two bills.
1: It's a bet! Lets go! I've done this hundreds of times without a problem!
I hand him the clipboard and he starts filling out the form. The peanut gallery is now fervently watching for the results as if it were not already a foregone conclusion. The fans had no idea but they were watching a fixed horse race. My dealer neighbor at the next table over chimes in.
Neighbor: hey, are you seriously taking action?
FC: ALWAYS!
Neighbor: What's the money?
FC: two bucks
Neighbor: High stakes!
FC: You haven't seen high stakes yet.
Neighbor: You're a character. I'm glad that romanian guy didn't get that rifle yesterday, he was such a pain in the ass. Like even I was annoyed by it and it wasn't even my stuff.
FC: I know, right? You snooze, you lose.
Neighbor: But really, can I get in on the 4473 bet?
FC: You can take the bookmaker out of the catholic school but.....
NYPD: I'm all done! Lets see my new $1200 gun!
(I pick up the forms and his ID and credit card and look at the forms. 12.d.2. is blank. I hand pen back to him and point at 12.d.2.)
FC: Forgot 12.d.2. That's $1400 on your Amex, sign here.
NYPD: MOTHERFUCKER THAT WASN'T ON THERE LAST TIME!
FC: When was the last time you filled out that form?
NYPD: 2012
FC: That's why. Here's your new gun, thank you for your action.
Neighbor: How often does that bet win?
FC: My house edge on that bet is 100%.
Neighbor: Shit. That's fucking hilarious. Now I know how you got that watch. I just picked up a 50th anniversary sub myself (he shows me his sub and we rap about horology for a bit.)
33 down.
3PM: ONE HOUR TO GO! I write up a shield 2.0 9mm for a lady and her hubs for $650. One lady gets unhinged when I tell her she's not going to get her gun today on account of background check volume. She starts terrorizing me with WHY CANT I GET MY GUN TODAY?!?!?!??!?! This isn't dealing with Al-Quaeda, this is Al-Karen. Last minute sale 10 minutes before the show closes cleans me out of Ruger LC9's tagged at $450. 35 down. One guy snags a Glock 43X from me for $775.
36 for the weekend makes me a happy boy. I look at all the sales in cash and credit cards and I've booked quite the fat stack of cash. I've done a month's worth of business in TWO DAYS.
4PM: Show is closed. I start packing up. The dealer across from me has Gen 5 Glock 34's tagged at $1000, 9mm at $575/thousand and 380 at $750/thousand. We rap about the state of the industry. It's just gonna get worse closer to the election. I pack up and get all my stuff loaded up.
530PM: Homeward bound........I wish I was........HOMEWARD BOUND..............
730PM: I get back to my desk and dump off a fucking STACK of 4473's. I make a bank drop for the cash and I unload and head back home. I'm starving, so I decide to have the deli re-make their culinary abortion of a wrap.
8PM: The deli is out of bread AGAIN. Are you fucking kidding me? The deli is out of bread at 8AM and 8PM? What is this bullshit..... the deli clerk takes an entire loaf of italian sandwich bread and uses it to make me a single sandwich. My colon is about to hate me. I'm waiting in line to have the cashier comp me as I see a big tall gun guy from the gun club walk in. I yell and wave since I'm wearing a mask and he comes over.
815PM: Tim O'Toole is a big giant irish gun nut criminal defense attorney that I know from the gun club. He is an aggressive and in your face about how wrong you are if you are wrong and at 6'6" he cuts an imposing presence on any courtroom he walks into. He's just bought a house in my neighborhood and we start chatting guns. He asks me if I have a Glock 17 Gen 3 9mm barrel for his latest build and I tell him that I've probably got 3 sitting on my desk. I jump on my phone and check pricing. Wholesale + $5 for him since he helps out a lot out at the gun club and he says it's a deal. He goes and gets groceries and I eat my meat tornado of a sandwich at home.
Monday August 17th
10AM: Tim comes by right on time for his barrel and asks what else I have. I have a Glock 43 come off layaway and go back into rotation and he snaps up that and a 43X and a whole litany of extra parts, glock 17 gen 3 firing pin, channel liner, trigger bars, extra mags, etc. My 1 item sale I set up in line at the grocery store is now a 15 item $2500 sale. And he wants even more stuff that I can't get! We rap about the best legal film ever made, My Cousin Vinny. He gets every judge to approve his demand to videotape depositions and witness statements. Why? "I shot the clerk" - you have to watch the movie to understand this reference. Every time a judge asks him why he wants it on tape he simply says "I shot the clerk" and since we are in the deep south and every judge that's been stuck in the Louisiana mud knows the film My Cousin Vinny, his motion is approved. I laughed my ass off. I told him I was very much looking forward to regaling the federal judge with some witty banter that went along the lines of "the two utes" and he laughed his ass off. I really wanted to pull that stunt.
11AM: Lady comes in to pick up a layway and she can't fill out the 4473 and wear a mask at the same time. She also cannot stop talking. She drives me nuts but I hold it together long enough to get her stuff worked up. She also asks me to get her a Glock 23 Gen 4. I tell her it won't be cheap and it's probably going to set her back $850 by the time I beat the bushes and line one up. She says no problem, Visa okay? Done. I get a Glock 23 Gen 4 off one of my dealer buddies in NC and get it squared away.
12PM: Lunctime. It's Salmon Hollandaise special at this new market just down the road from me and I stop in and say hi. It's like a small version of Eataly. I went to high school with the owners daughters and he's got 5 million bucks into this concept. Wine bar, cafe, grocery, NY bagels delivered daily, ramen bar, raw bar, restaurant, the whole 9 yards. Amazing. The fish is delish and on the way out I run into a guy I went to ELEMENTARY school with that's now the general manager. He offers me a job managing the seafood department and I am seriously considering it given how screwed up the gun market is.
1PM: Back at my desk, have eaten the salmon and the hollandaise has found a home in my thighs. I am fat and sassy. I sell the remaning 380 I have to a customer picking up a Sig P238 and she's super stoked to get a gun.
2PM: Random walk in. Local restaurant owner that I sold a Sig 227 to a few months ago wants me to put in an SRT kit. He's disassembled the entire frame and wants me to put it togther. I explain that an SRT install is normally 5 minutes. This is easily a 45 minute job to reassemble and that's IF he has all the parts. He says he has all the parts. I begin putting the gun back together. He does not have all the parts. He goes home and says he will look harder for the missing part.
3PM: I look online for the missing part. It's $5 and 4 weeks to ship and in stock at most vendors. This sucks. I call some favors and I know of one in the mid atlantic area I can get here in a week in case he can't find it. As I get off the phone he walks in with the missing part.
Just an FYI for the readers. In ten years, I have had "bag o gun" come through the door on three previous occasions.
First: Sig 229 from local PD. Chief took it apart, couldn't put it back together. Had no backup gun and had to go on duty in a few hours, I was asked to put it together.
Second: My buddy Bruce in PA. He detail stripped his 220 and got it wrong. I put it back together and sent it back to PA.
Third: Rusty and his 226. See above. He missed some parts. I put it back together and sent it back to Texas.
If anyone thinks they see a pattern here it's because there IS a pattern here.
I start work on the 227 and this thing is a bitch and a half. The ejector, which is a 25 cent stamped metal part is not to spec. Sig's QC sucks. Their 3mm hole PRECISELY stamped in one place isn't 3mm and isn't precise. The sear pin that has to go through the left side of the frame, through the ejector, through the left side of the sear, through the sear reset spring, through the other side of the sear, through the safety lever and through the right side of the frame is NOT COOOPERATING because the ejector is too tight. I have to beat on this thing with a drilling hammer to get it to go. 45 minutes of anger and frustration later, 227 is back in action with the garbage one piece E2 grips.
For this pain, I bill $100. He tells me he should have had me do it in the first place. I say he's right but it's a tough job doing Sig classic pistols right. They're a very challenging platform.
4PM: I ship off some more 5.56 brass and pay my buddy Ray. I head home.
5PM: Beef jerky time.
I hope you all enjoyed these stories. They have not been embellished because they need no embellishment. Stay tuned for my next story where I post about the state of the firearm industry!
God bless and have a wonderful Saturday.
PS - and this is how you do a "week in the life" thread, you fucking imposter. https://www.reddit.com/guns/comments/i759qj/a_week_in_the_life_of_your_favorite_firearm/
submitted by fcatthepanerabread to guns [link] [comments]

history of the entire world I guess 👀🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎😳🌎🌎🌎🌎

hi, 🤚 you're on a rock 🗿 floating in space. 🌖 pretty cool, 😎👍 huh? 😕❔ some of it's water. 🤽‍♂️ fuck it. 🚮 actually, most of it's water 💦 . 🐃⛲ i 😀 can't even 🌒🌒🌒 get 🉐 from here 📍 to there without buying 🛍 a boat. ⛴⚓ it's sad. 🙍 i'm sad. 🙁😔 i 😭😭😭😭😭miss you😭😭😰😰😰.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?🤔🤔
a long time 🕗 ago... actually, never 🙅‍♂️. and also now. nothing 🚯 is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right 🤓? 🗯 like 🥰 i 😊 said, it 🚮 didn't happen 🤷‍♀️. nothing 🚯 was never anywhere🤷‍♂️. that's why it's been everywhere 😱. it's been so 🆘 "everywhere," you 😊 don't need a "where." you 😀 don't even 🌃 need a "when." that's how "every" it 🚮 gets. 🉐
forget this 😤. i wanna be something 👨‍🔧. go somewhere 🇵🇰. do something 🏀⚽️. i 😊 want things to change. i 😀 want to invent time ⏱ and space. 📡👨‍🚀📡👨‍🚀📡👨‍🚀 and i know it's possible because everything is here, 📍🈁 and it 🚮 probably already happened. i just don't know when to start 😔. 🆕
and that's exactly where it 🚮 started 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳
big bang — pause ⏸
woah. I paused it. 🚮 i think 🤔💭 there's a universe now. what's 😦 it 🚮 made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! 🥈 don't like 🏩😻 it? 🚮 try a new 🌚 place, 🏆 at a different Time™. try to stick 🥍 together, because the world 🌏 is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not 🚯 empty 🈳 yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. 🥵🥵🥵
about no seconds 🥈 later
great 👍 news! the quarks are 👉 now happily married in groups 👥 of three, 🥰 called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying 🥏 around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's too HOT 🔥🔥🔥.
ten minutes later
great news! 🆕 the protons and neutrons are 👉 now happily married to each other! some of them even 🌘 doubled up.
about 380,000 🤭 years later
great 👍 news! 📰 the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! 🎉🎆 the world 🌍 is now... a bunch of gas ⛽️ in space. 🌕 but it's getting closer together...
ten million years later 👴
and it's getting closer together...
500 million years later 👴
and it's getting closer togeth—
star is born 👶
it's a star 🌟
new 🆕 shit 💩 just got made!
some stars ✨ burn out 😛 and die 💀. ⚱ bigger stars ⭐⭐⭐ burn out 😝 and die 🎲 with passion! and make some brand ™️ new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer 🌑🆕 and more ➕ interesting stars 🎇🤩🔭 to be made, and then die ⚰ and explode 🧨 into even crazier space 🌖 dust!
so 🆘 now, stars ☪✨ have cool 👍 stuff 🥙🥙🥙 around them, like 👭😄 rocks, 🧗‍♂️🧗‍♀️ ice, 🏒🍧⛸ and funny 😃 clouds, 🌨 which can make some very interesting things. like 😚 this ball 🏐🏐🏐 of flaming 🔥 rocks, 🧗‍♂️🗿 for example.
meteor hits 👊 earth
holy shit, 💩💩💩 we just got hit 👊 by another ball 🍙 of flaming 🔥 rocks. 🧗‍♂️ and it 🚮🚮🚮 kind of... made a mess. which is **now the moon 🌝 **
weather update: it's raining ⛈🌧 rocks 🗿🧗‍♂️ from outer space. 🌘
weather update: those rocks 🗿🧗‍♀️ might've had water 🚰 inside 💠 of them and now there's hot 🥵 steam 🚂 in the sky. 🌈
weather update: cooler 😎 temperatures 🤒 today and the floor 🤣 is no 😶 longer lava.
weather update... it's raining. ⛈🌂
severe flooding alert, the entire world 🌎 is now an ocean. 🐋
volcano alert 🚨 .
that's land!
there'slifeintheocean
what? 😦
*something's alive in the ocean 🌊 *
oh, cool. 🆒 like 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 a plant, 🍀 or an animal? 🦐 no! 🚳 a microscopic speck. it 🚮 lives in the bottom ⤵️ of the ocean 🇮🇴🇮🇴🇮🇴 and eats 🍽 chemical soup, 🥫 which is being served hot 🍧 and fresh, ⛲ made from gnarly space 🌌 ingredients left 🤛🛅↙️ over 🌄 from when it 🚮 was raining ⛈ rocks 🧗‍♀️ or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it 🚮 can do that.
reproduces three 🍆🥰 more ➕ times
it 🚮 has secret 🤐 instructions written inside 💠 itself telling 🗣 it 🚮 how to build 🏪👷⚒ another one 🔂 of itself. so 🆘 that's pretty nifty, i 😊 would say. 🗣
tired 💤 of living at the bottom ⏬🔻 of the ocean? 🐙
now you 😊😀 can eat 🍽 sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you 🤟😀 can convert sunlight into food. 🍽
taste the sun!
side 🚄 effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky 🌆 is blue. 🈳
then the earth 🌎🌍 might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even 🌜 a couple 👩‍❤️‍👩 of times. ⌚⌚⌚
it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, 🐛 and some other types ⌨ of weird 😕 strange water ⛵ bugs 🐛 and strange fish. 🦈🦈🦈
it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, ❕😮 that's animals 🐷 and stuff" 🥙
but we're still in the ocean. 🇮🇴 hey, can we 🌿 go on land? 🛫
NO 🙅‍♂️
why?
the sun 🌤 is a deadly ☠ laser
oh okay. 👌
not anymore, there's a blanket 🥰
now the animals 🙊🐥 can go on land. 🛫 come on, animals, 🐙 let's go on land! 🛫
"nope, 🙅 can't walk 🏃 yet."
"and there's no 📵 food 🥐 yet, so i 😊 don't care." 💅
100 million years later
okay, 👌👌👌 will you 😀 learn 📖 to walk 🚶‍♀️ if there's plants 🏡 up here? 📌
"maybe," said some bugs. 🐜 and fish. 🐬
fish gasps for air 💨
five million years later
okay, 👌 so i 😀 can go on land, 🛫 but i 😀 have 🈶 to go back 🤚⬅️🤚⬅️🤚⬅️ in the water 🚣 to have babies!
idea: learn 📕 to use an egg. 🐣
"i 😊 was already doing that"
use a stronger 💪 egg. 🍳 put 🚮 water 🚰 in it. 🚮 have 🈶 a baby, 🐤🐣🐤🐣🐤🐣 on land, 🛫 in an egg. 🐣 water 🚰 is in the egg. 🥚 baby, 🐥🤰 in the egg, 🍳 in the water, 🤽‍♀️ in the egg. 🐣🐣🐣
works 💼 for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything's huge. including bugs. 🐜🐝
wanna see 👁 a map 🗺 of the land? 🛫 sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything's dead. 💀⚱
just kidding, here 🈁 are 👉 the survivors. keep your eye 👁😚 on this one, 🔂 because it's about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs. 🦖
here's 📍 another map 🗺 of the land. 🛫 yeah, it 🚮 broke apart. don't worry about it, 🚮 it 🚮 does that all the time. ⌛🕦🕥 here 📍 comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs 🦕 are gone
it's mammal time, 🕰🕛 here 📍 come the mammals. look 👀👀👀 at those breasts.
now they're gonna dominate the world, 🌎 but one 🔂 of them just learned how to grab stuff. 🥙 and walk. 🏃‍♀️ no, 🚳 like, 😄 walk 🚷 like 👬 that. and grab stuff 🧸 at the same time. 🕕 and bang rocks 🗿🧗‍♂️🗿🧗‍♂️🗿🧗‍♂️ together to make pointed ✴️ rocks. 🧗‍♂️🧗‍♀️
"ouch"
and set things on fire. 🕯
"yeouch"
and make crazy 🤪 sounds 🔕🔊 with their voice:
"gneurshk"
which can mean 😏 different things.
that's a human 🏊‍♀️ person!
and now they're everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? 😦 you 🤟 can walk 👣 over 🤭 here? 📌 cool. 🆒
not anymore
well i 😀 guess we're stuck 😝 here 📌 now.
let's review: there's people 👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 on the planet. 🌗 and they're chasing their food. 🥟
fuck it. 🚮 time 🕚 to plant 🌱 some grass. 🍃
look 👀 at this. i 😊 get 🉐 to control 🛂 the food 🍑🍿 now. now everyone will want to be my 😀😀😀 friend 🐶 and live near me. let's all build ⚒ houses, 🏚 except mine is bigger because i 😀 own the food. 🍽
this is great! 🇬🇧 i 😀 wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired 💤 of using rocks 🗿🧗‍♀️ for everything? use metal. 🤘 it's underground.
better 🎰 farming 🚜 was just invented in a sweet 🍯 dank valley right ↔️ in between these two ✌ rivers, and the animals 🐻🏇🦖 are 👉 helping. 🆘
guess what 😦😦😦 happens next?
more ➕ food. 🧀🍩 and more ➕ people, 👩‍👦👨‍👧‍👧👨‍👧 who came to buy 🛍 the food. 🍲 now you 😀 need people 👨‍👨‍👧 to help 🆘 make the food 🥮 and keep track ⏭ of the sales. 💰 and now you 😀 need houses 🚪 for people 👭👭👭 to live in and people 👩‍👩‍👧‍👦 to make the houses 🏡 and now there's more ➕ people 👩‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 invent things which makes things better 🎰 and more ➕ people 👨‍👦 come and there's more ➕ farming 🚜 and more ➕ people 👨‍👧👨‍👨‍👦 to make more ➕ things for more ➕ people 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon 🔜 to a dank river valley near you. 🤟😀
meanwhile, out 😝 in the middle 🖕 of nowhere, the horse 🎠🐴 is probably being tamed.
why is all my 😀 metal 🤘 so 🆘🆘🆘 lame and lumpy?
tired 😪 of using lame, sad 😔 metal? 🤘 introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. 🛫 i 😀 dunno, my 😊 dealer won't tell 🗣 me where he 💁‍♂️ gets 🉐 it. 🚮 also, guess what? 😦
egypt
meanwhile, out 😜 in the middle 🖕 of nowhere, they 💁 figured out 😝 how to put 🚮 wheels 🎡 on a horse. 🏇 now we're getting 🉐 somewhere. also,
china
and did i 😊 mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5
...
norte chico
the middle east 🌏 is getting 🉐 more ➕ complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. 🌏
knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people 👨‍👨‍👧 with the horses? 🏇 and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. 🏇
greeks!
ah look, 👁 it 🚮 must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let's check ☑️ in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not 🚯 gone? china.
new arrivals 🛬 from india... maybe it's those horse 🐴 people 👩‍👩‍👧 i 😀 was talking 🗨 about... or their cousins or something...
and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff...
you 🤟🤟🤟 could make a religion ⛪🔯 out 😜 of this.
there's the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get 🉐 down ⤵️⬇️ to business
also, can we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 switch to a metal 🤘 that's a little easier to find? 🔍 thanks. 🙌
look 👁 who came back ↩️ to israel, 🇮🇱 it's the twelve tribes of israel. 🇮🇱
and they 💁 believe in God
just one 1️⃣ though, and he's 💁‍♂️ got like 👫👫👫 a ten-step 🔟🚶 program. 📻
here's 📌 some huge heads. 💆‍♂️ must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea 💡 and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so 🆘 big it 🚮 makes colonies.
here 📍 comes the assyrian empire. never mind, 🤯 it's the babyloni— media—
it's the Persian Empire: "wow, ❕ that's big"
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, 👨 who sat under a tree 🍃 for so 🆘 long that he 💁‍♂️ figured out 😜 how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you 😊 could make a religion ⛪ out 😝😝😝 of this.
oops, 💦😖 china 🇨🇳 just broke. but while it 🚮 was breaking, 💔 confucius was figuring out 😜 how to have 🈶 good 🙅‍♂️ morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea 💡 of thinking 🤔 about stuff. 🥙
and right 🤜 over 🤬🤬🤬 here, 🈁 alexander just had the idea 💡 of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great 🇬🇧 idea. 💡 he 💁‍♂️ was... great. 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 and now he's 💁‍♂️ dead. ⚰ hopefully, the rest 🛏 of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it's chandragupta. he 💁‍♂️ says 🗣 "get 🉐 the hell out 😜😜😜 of here. 📌 will you 😀 get 🉐 the hell out 😜😝 of here 📍 if i 😊 give you 🤟 500 elephants? 🐘 okay, 👌 thanks, 🙌 bye"
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what 😦 about this part? 〽️ that's the tamil kings. 🤴 no 🚳 one 🔂🔂🔂 conquers the tamil kings. 👑 who are 👉 the tamil kings? 👑 merchants, probably. and they've got spices!
who would like 💛👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 to buy 🛍 the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying 🛍 it 🚮 and selling it 🚮 to the rest 🛏 of the world. 🗺🌎
hey, china 🇨🇳 put 🚮 itself back ⬅️🤚 together again, with good 🦸‍♀️❇️ morals as their main philosophy. actually, they 💁 have 🈶 three 🥰 main philosophies:
confucianism: have 🈶🈶🈶 good 🉑🌟🙅 morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, 😀 obey the law
out 😝😛 here, 📌 the horse 🐴🐴🐴 nomads run wild 🐯 and free, 🆓 and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 would like 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 to ransack your city. 🇻🇦
nomads ransack china
let's check ✔️ the greekification levels 🎚 of the greekified kingdoms: 🇬🇧 greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over 🤬🤭 the entire place. 🏟🏟🏟
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating 🍽 the entire mediterranean for breakfast. 🥓 "thanks 🙌 for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting 💫 to get 🉐 tired 😫 of people 👩‍👦 invading their homeland.
"hi, everything's great," 🇬🇧 said some guy 👨 who seems to be getting 🉐 very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more ➕ popular. you 🤟 could make a religion 🛐 out 😝😛 of this.
want silk? 🕸 now you 😊 can buy 🛍 it 🚮 from china. 🇨🇳 they 💁 just made a brand new 🇵🇬 road 🛣 to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you 🤟😀 can get there on water
"sick! 😷 new 🇳🇿 trade routes!" said india, 🇮🇳 accidentally spreading their religion ☦ to the entire southeast. ↘️
hmm, that's a good 📈 place 🚩 for an epic trading kingdom. 🇬🇧
there goes buddhism, ☸ travelling 💱💱💱 up the silk 🕸 road. 🛣 i 😀 wonder if it'll reach china 🍚 before it 🚮 collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new 🌚 one. 🔂
axum is getting 🉐 so 🆘 powerful, they 💁 would like 💒 to build 👷‍♀️ a long stick. 🥍
has anyone populated madagascar 🇲🇬 yet? let's do it 🚮 together.
china is whole again...
...then it 🚮 broke again
still can't cross ✝ the sahara 🇪🇭 desert? 🐪 try camels. 🐪
"hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana 🇬🇭 empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
"hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i 😊 was wondering
is loving 💑💝 jesus legal 📝 yet?"
"no" 🇳🇴
"actually, okay 👌 sure," said constantine, moving 📦 the capital 🔠🔠🔠 way ↕️ over 🤭 here 📍🈁 to be closer to his 🐍🐍🐍 main rival. don't worry about rome, it 🚮 won't fall. 🍁
it's the golden age of india
there's the gupta empire, not 🚯 chandragupta, just gupta. first 🌛 name 📛 chandra. the first. 🌓
guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's 😦 a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, 🚮 the other half is just fine, but it's not 🚯 in rome anymore, so 🆘 let's give it 🚮 a new 🇵🇬 name. 📛
the mayans have 🈶 figured out 😛 the stars
oh, and here's 📌 a huge city, 🇻🇦 population: everyone.
the göktürks have 🈶 taken over 🌄🤬 the entire eurasian steppe. great 🇬🇧 job, 💼 göktürks.
how's india? 🇮🇳 broken. 🏚 how's china? 🍚 back together.
how's those trading kingdoms? 🇬🇧 bigger, and there's more ➕ of them.
korea 🇰🇵 has three 3️⃣ kingdoms. 🇬🇧 japan 🍥 has a kingdom, 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 it's the sunrise 🌄 kingdom. 🇬🇧
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, 🏝 on the top 🔝 of a mountain, 🌁🗻 the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. 👂 so, 🆘 he 💁‍♂️ goes down ⏬🙃 to the cube where everyone worships 🕍 gods and he 💁‍♂️ tells 🗣 them their gods are 👉 all fake. and everyone got so 🆘 mad 💢 at him that he 💁‍♂️ had to leave 🍃 town and go to a different town. you 🤟 could make a religion 🔯 out 😜 of this, and maybe conquer the world 🗺🌍 as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, ➕ there's new kingdoms 🇬🇧 all over 🌄 europe. i 😀 wonder if there's room 🧖‍♀️ for moors.
here's 📌 all the wisdom. in a house. 🚪 it's the baghdad house 🏡 of wisdom! just in time 🕟 for the islamic golden age!
"let's bring stuff 🥙 to the coast 🇨🇮 and sell it, 🚮 and become the swahili on the swahili coast," 🇨🇮 said the swahili on the swahili coast. 🇨🇮
remember this tiny space 🌕 you 😊 have 🈶 to go through to get 🉐 from here 🈁 to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get 🉐 enlightened in the middle 🖕🖕🖕 of nowhere?
the franks have 🈶 the biggest kingdom 🇬🇧 in europe, and the pope is so 🆘 proud 😤 that he 💁‍♂️ invites the king 👑 over 🌄 for christmas. 🎄 "surprise! 🤭 you're the new 🇳🇨 roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part 〽️ of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom 🇬🇧 into what 😦 will later 🕡🕗 be called france 🇫🇷 and not-france. 🚯
the northerners, er, just "norse" if you 😀 don't have 🈶 much time, 🕔 are 👉 exploring. they 💁 go north, 🇰🇵 from the north 🇰🇵 to the northern 🇬🇧 north. 🇰🇵 and they 💁 find 🔍 some land— two 👬 types ⌨ of land!— and they 💁 name 📛 them accordingly.
prankd
they 💁 also invade some other places 🏆 and get 🉐 called many names, 📛 such as "vikings."
there's the rus! the kievan rus! are 👉 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 vikings? "i 😊 don't think 🗯 so," 🆘 said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more ➕ emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. 🚮 new 🇳🇨 kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand ™️ would you 😀 like? 💖
"mine's better"
"mine's better"
"mine's better"
"time 🕥 to conquer england," 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿💷 said william.
it's a bird! 🐥 it's a plane! ✈️ 👨‍✈️ it's the seljuk turks!
"aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting 🉐 so 🆘 small 🌤 and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we 🌿 need help!" 🆘 they 💁 need help! 🆘 so 🆘 they 💁 call 🤙 the pope.
"hey pope, can you 😊🤟 help 🆘 us get 🉐🉐🉐 rid of the seljuks? maybe take back ↩️ the holy land 🛫 on the way? 🌌 come on, i 😀 know you 😊 want to take back 🤚 the holy land." 🛫
"yes, ☑️ i 😊 do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade."
crusade!
they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. 💩 but at least the italians 🍝 got some sweet 🍪 trade deals.
goodbye 👋👋👋 mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye 👋 toltecs. hello mississippi! look 👁 at those mounds.
there's the pueblo. i 😊 always wondered how to build 🏨🏛🏨🏛🏨🏛 a town in a cliff.
guess who's here? 📍 khmer. where? here! 📌 and pagan is there. vietnam 🇻🇳 unconquered itself, korea 🇰🇷 just became itself, and japan 🍥 is so 🆘 addicted to art 🎭 that the military 🎖 might have 🈶 to take over 🌄🤬 the government.
china 🍚 just invented bombs, 💣 and typing. ⌨⌨⌨ and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i 😀 bet 🎰 that will last 🌗 a long time. 🕤
some of the islamic 🇮🇷 turks 🇹🇨 were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they 💁 were busy invading india. 🇮🇳
is it 🚮 tonga 🇹🇴 time? 🕛 i 😊 think 🤔 it's tonga 🇹🇴 time. 🕚
i 😀 just figured out 😛 where the swahili gets 🉐 all of their gold.
look 👁 at this chad! 🇹🇩 it 🚮 means 😏 "lake." there's an empire there! right 👉 in the middle 🖕 of africa!
the king 🤴 of mali 🇲🇱 is so 🆘 rich, 🤑 he's 💁‍♂️💁‍♂️💁‍♂️ going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, ❗ that guy's 👷 rich," 🤑 everyone said.
the christians are 👉 doing a great 🇬🇧 job 💼 reconquering iberia, which will soon 🔜 be called spain 🇪🇸 and not-spain. 🚯 please 🙏 remain christian. we 🌿 will check ☑️ in later 🕣 to see 👀🙈 if you're still christian when you 🤟😊 least expect.
whoops, 🤭 half of europe just died.
ming! china's 🍚 back, 🔙⬅️ yay! 👏
hey, khmer. time 🕔🕔🕔 to share. new 🌑 kingdoms, 🇬🇧 here 🈁 and there.
oh, look 👀 who controls 🛂 all of the islands. 🇫🇴 it's the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit? 👊
oh, italy's 🇮🇹 real rich. 🤑 time 🕡 for them to care 💅 a lot about art 🥋🖌🎭 and the ancient 📜 classics. it's kinda like 👍 a rebirth.
here's 🈁 a printer. 🖨 let's make books! 📙📕
so 🆘 you 😀😀😀 think 🗯 you 😀 can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. 🇹🇨 nice job, 💼 ottoman turks. 🇹🇨 oops, 😣 you 🤟 missed a spot. 🦒 don't forget to ban ✋ europe from the indian 🍛 spice trade.
"what? 😦 that's bullshit," said portugal, 🇵🇹 spiceless.
"well i 😊 guess we'll have 🈶 to find 🔎 another way 🌌 to india"
"wait!" 🚏 said christopher columbus, probably smoking 🚬 crack. "if the world 🌏 is round, ⚪ let's go this way 🌌 to india." 🇮🇳
"nah, don't worry, we 🌿 already got this," said portugal. 🇵🇹
so 🆘 chris goes to spain. 🇪🇸 "hey spain, 🇪🇸 wanna hire me to find 🔍 india 🇮🇳 by going around back 🔙 of the world?" 🌐
"no" 😶
"please?" 🙏
"no" 📵
"please?" 🙏
"wtf"
"no" ⛔
"please?" 🙏
"...okay"
so 🆘 he 💁‍♂️ sails into the ocean, 🐬 and discovers... more ➕ ocean. 🏄🦐 and then discovers the indies, and japan! 🗾🎑 let's draw 📏 a line 〰️ to decide who gets 🉐 which half of the world. 🌐
the aztec and the inca empires are 👉 off 📴 to a great 🇬🇧 start. 🆕 i 😊 wonder if they 💁 know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are 👉 marrying into so 🆘 many royal 👸 families, they 💁 might have 🈶 to start 🆕 marrying each other.
move over, 🤬 lithuania, 🇱🇹 here 🈁 comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great 🇬🇧 again.
move over, 🌄 timurids, maybe go invade india 🇮🇳 or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let's make it 🚮 the other kind of islam. 🕌☪ the one 🔂 where we 🌿 thought 💭 the first 🥇🌛 guy 💂👱 should've been the other guy. 👷
hey, christians! do you 😊🤟 sin? now you 🤟🤟🤟 can buy 🛍 your way ↕️ out 😜😛 of hell!
"that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. ⛪ here's 📌 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his 🐍 new 🆕 book 📘 which might have 🈶 accidentally started the protestant reformation.
"you 🤟 know what 😦 would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. 🤠 "what 😦 if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it 🚮🚮🚮 is now.
"what 😦 if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not 🚯 to be terrible.
portugal 🇵🇹 had a dream 💭 that they 💁💁💁 controlled the entire indian 🇮🇴 ocean, 🌊 including the spice trade. and then that dream 💭 was real.
and spain 🇪🇸 realized that this is not 🚯 india, 🇮🇳 but they 💁 pillaged it 🚮 anyway. "damn," said england 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 and france. 🇫🇷 "we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 gotta start 🆕 pillaging some stuff." 🥙 then the dutch 🇸🇽 revolt, and all the hipsters 🚴 moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 gotta start 🆕 pillaging some stuff." 🥙
question ❔ one: 🔂 can you 🤟 get 🉐 to india 🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳 from north 🇰🇵 america? 🇺🇸 no, 🙈 but at least there's beaver.
question ❓ two: 👭 steal the spice trade. that's not 🚯 a question, ❔ but the dutch 🇸🇽 did it 🚮 anyway.
and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! 🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷 stolen! in the caribbean! 🇧🇶 and it's so 🆘 goddamn profitable, you 😊😀 might forget to not 🚯🚯🚯 do slavery.
the next ➡️ thing on russia's to-do list is to get 🉐 bigger.
britain 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 and france 🇫🇷 are 👉 having 🈶 a friendly discussion about who should control 🛂 the entire world. 🌐 more ➕ specifically, ohio. then it 🚮 escalates into a seven-year 7️⃣ discussion, giving prussia a chance to show 📺 austria 🇦🇹🇦🇹🇦🇹 who's boss. but what 😦 about britain 🇬🇧 and france, 🇫🇷 did they 💁 figure out 😛 who's boss? yes ✔️ they 💁💁💁 did! it's britain. 🇬🇧
guess who's broke? also britain! 🇬🇧 so 🆘 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 start 🆕 taxing the hell out 😜 of america. 🌎 "fuck you!" 😊 says 🗣 america, 🇺🇸 declaring their independence and fighting 🥊 for it, 🚮 and france 🇫🇷 helps 🆘 them win. 🏆 now france 🇫🇷 is broke, and britain 🇬🇧 will have 🈶🈶🈶 to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, 🚏 if france 🇫🇷 is broke, why do the king 🤴 and queen 👸 still wear such fancy 💠 dresses?
"let's overthrow the palace and cut ✂️ all their heads 🤕 off!" 📴 said robespierre, cutting 🈹🥩🈹🥩🈹🥩 everybody's heads 💆 off 📴 until someone eventually got mad 💢 and cut ✂️ his 🐍 head 💆 off. 📴
you 😀 could make a rel— no, 🙉 don't.
haiti 🇭🇹 is starting 🔯 to like 💖 the idea 💡 of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free 🆓 themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 think 🤔🗯 of this before?"
wait, 🚏 who's in charge of france 🇫🇷 now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over 🤬🤭 europe. luckily, they 💁 banished him to an island. 🇲🇵 but he came back! luckily, they 💁 banished him to another island. 🇻🇬
there goes latin ✝ america, 🌎 becoming independent in the latin ✝ american 🗽 wars of independence.
britain 🇬🇧 just figured out 😜 how to turn steam 🚂 into power, 🔌 so 🆘 now they 💁 can make many different types ⌨ of machines 🎰 and factories with machines 🤖 in them so 🆘 they 💁 can make a lot of products real fast. then they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 invent some trains. 🚋 and conquer india 🇮🇳 and maybe put 🚮 some trains 🚂 there.
"hey, china!" 🇨🇳 said britain. 🇬🇧 "buy 🛍 stuff 🥙 from us!" "nah, dude, we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 already got everything," says 🗣 china. 🍚 so 🆘 britain 🇬🇧 tried to get 🉐 them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china 🍚 made it 🚮 illegal and dumped it 🚮 all into the sea. 🐙 so 🆘 britain 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 threw a hissy fit and made them open 😮 up five 5️⃣ cities and give them an island. 🇹🇨
britain 🇬🇧 and russia are 👉 playing 👾 a game 🎴 where they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 try to stop 🚫🚫🚫 the other person 👱‍♀️ from conquering afghanistan. 🇦🇫
also, the sultan of oman 🇴🇲 lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he 💁‍♂️ lives."
india 🇮🇳 just had a revolution, and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 would like 😚 to govern themselves now. "nope," 🙅 said britain, 🇬🇧 governing them even 🌜🌛 harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I 😊 JUST SENT YOU 😀😊 A MESSAGE 🗨 THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united 🇺🇳 states 🇺🇸 finally figured out 😜 whether slavery is good 🉑 or bad. 🦹‍♂️ it's bad, 📉🦹‍♂️ they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 decided, and then they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill 🚬 the rest 🛌😪🛌😪🛌😪 of the natives and take their land 🛫 and maybe kick 🦶🛴 out 😝😜 the mexicans 🌮 too.
"i 😀 know! let's rape africa!" 🇿🇦🇿🇦🇿🇦 said europe, scrambling to see 🙈 who could rape it 🚮 the fastest. they never got ethiopia...
britain 🇬🇧 and france 🇫🇷 are 👉 still hungry. they never got thailand...
the united states 🇺🇸 ran out 🥺 of destiny to manifest, so 🆘 they're looking 🚺👀 for more: ➕
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, 🚏 spain 🇪🇸 controls 🛂 cuba. 🇨🇺
well, blame something on them and go to war! what 😦😦😦 should we 🌿 blame on spain? 🇪🇸
u.s.s. maine sinks
"let's blame the maine on spain." 🇪🇸
so 🆘 they 💁💁💁 blame the maine on spain. 🇪🇸
now we're in business. 📉
to celebrate, 🥂 they 💁 kick 🦵 panama 🇵🇦 out 😛😜 of panama 🇵🇦 and make a canal, connecting the two ✌✌✌ oceans. 🐙🏄
britain 🇬🇧 just found oil 🛢 in the middle 🖕 east. 🌏 it makes cars 🚐 go...
china 🍚 is so 🆘 tired 😴 of being bossed around that they 💁 delete ❌ their old 👴 government and make a new, 🇳🇨 stronger 💪 government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy 💂 from the previous ⬅️ government.
europe hasn't had a war since the last 🌜 war, so 🆘 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 start 🆕 world 🌎 war one. 1️⃣ look 👀 at those guns! 🔫 it's gonna be a great 🇬🇧 war, so 🆘 great 🇬🇧 we 🌿 won't need a second 🥈 one. 1️⃣ after it's over, 🤬 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers 👨‍🏭 overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union...
the arabs 🇸🇾 revolt and britain 🇬🇧 helps. 🆘 now the ottoman empire is gone, so 🆘 we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 can give the jewish people 👭 a place 🚮 to live. hopefully the arabs 👳‍♀️ won't mind. 🤯
"let's cut ✂️ the cake!" 🥮 said sykes and picot, carving 🏎 up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. 🚯
except turkey! 🦃 turkey 🦃 makes a brand ™️ new 🇹🇷🇹🇷🇹🇷 turkey!
and then the saudis 🇸🇦 conquer arabia. 🇸🇦 it 🚮 just seemed like 🥰 the right ▶️ thing to do.
phone rings
hello? 👋 yes, 🆗 it's the 1920's calling. 🤙 let's get 🉐 to a car 🏎 and drive to a party 🍕 and listen 👂 to jazz 🎷 on the radio 📻📻📻 and go to the movies. 🎥 the economy is great 🇬🇧 and it 🚮 will probably be great 🇬🇧 forever. ♾ just kidding.
germany's back, 🤚 featuring hitler, 👊 the angry 👿😡 mustache 👨 model, and he's 💁‍♂️ mad 😡 at the jews for existing.
japan ⛩ is finally conquering the east, 🌏 and they're so 🆘 excited, they 💁 rape nanking way 🌌 too hard. they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 should probably just deny ❎ it. 🚮
hitler's out 😝 of control, 🎛 so 🆘 the international 🌍🌐 community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad 🦹‍♀️ idea. 💡 but he 💁‍♂️ kills 🚬 himself because they 💁 could explain it 🚮 to him. that's world 🌐 war two!
bonus round! 🔃 pacific showdown
united states 🇺🇸 vs. japan 🇯🇵
FIGHT!!
united states 🇫🇲 drops 💦 two 👬👬👬 extinction balls 🥎🎾 on japan
FINISH HIM!
let's unite all the nations 🇸🇿 and have 🈶 some world peace! seems legit.
"hi, im gandhi, and if britain 🇬🇧 doesn't get 🉐 the hell out 😛😝 of india, 🇮🇳 i'm going to starve myself in public." 🚅🚉🚅🚉🚅🚉
britain leaves
"wow, 😮❗ that worked?"
bonus! now there's pakistan. 🇵🇰 actually two 2️⃣ pakistans, 🇵🇰 one 1️⃣ of them can be bangladesh 🇧🇩 later. 🕧🕧🕧
the jews and the arabs 🇸🇾 finally figured out 😝😜 which one 1️⃣ of them should live in the holy land. 🛫 "me!" they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 both said at the same time. ⌛🕗 let's divide ➗➗➗ up the lands so 🆘 we're both happy. 😺 SIKE! they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 both get 🉐 angrier!
look 👁 out, 😛 china! 🍚 there's a new 🇳🇿 china 🇨🇳 in china. 🇨🇳 what's 😦 on the menu? communism! no 🔕 thanks, 🙌 said the other china, 🇨🇳 escaping to an island. 🇲🇵 i 😀 wonder which one 1️⃣ is the real china...?
there's the korean war. korea 🇰🇷 versus korea! 🇰🇷 nobody wins, 🏆 then its 🚮 on pause ⏸ forever. ♾
let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two 👬 global superpowers. 🦸‍♀️🦸‍♂️ they're having 🈶 a friendly debate over 🤭 which economic 📉 system is good ✨❇️ and which one 🔂 is an evil 🙉🐍 virus of satan. and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 both have 🈶 atom ⚛ bombs. 💥 FIGHT!! wait, 🚏 no, 📭🙅 that would be the end 🔚 of the world. 🌎 let's just keep it 🚮 cool 👍🕶 and spy 🕵️‍♀️ on each other instead. and make sure we 🌿 have 🈶 enough atom ⚛ bombs. 💣
"i'll race 🚵‍♀️🏍 you 🤟 to space." 🌕👨‍🚀
united states 🇺🇸 plants 🎍 a flag 🇸🇧 on the moon
now let's make more ➕ countries fight 🥊 themselves.
europe is tired 😴 of pillaging other continents, and the continents they 💁 were pillaging are 👉 tired 😪💤 of being pillaged. so 🆘 here's 📍 a new 🇵🇬 map 📍 with new 🇳🇨 countries. now you 😊🤟 can't tell 🗣 who they're being pillaged by.
the united states 🇺🇸 finally decided whether racism is good 🆗 or bad. 🦹‍♂️ they 💁 decided it's bad, 〽️ and the world 🌎 agrees. ☑️ south 🇿🇦 africa 🇿🇦 might need another minute to think 🗯 about it. 🚮
let's check ✔️☑️ the world 🌍 population!
woah. okay. 👌
technology 📱 is better 🎰 too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union 🇪🇺 decides to relax ☺️ a little, and accidentally falls ⛅ apart.
europe makes a union, 🇪🇺 so 🆘 now they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 can all use the same money. 💸 except britain, 🇬🇧 because they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 don't feel like 💜 it. 🚮
let's check ☑️ the mail... surprise! ❕😮 it's on the computer! 🤖
whoops, 🤭 someone just attacked america. 🇺🇸 i 😀 bet 🎰 they'll remember that.
phone 🤳 call! 📲 surprise! ❗🤨 it's in your pocket! wanna learn 📖 everything? surprise! ❕🤭 it's on the computer! 🖱 now your phone's a computer, 🖱 which is in your pocket!
whoops, 🤭 the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks 🏧 won't fail, 💩 because they're not 🚯 supposed to.
surprise!... flying 🚁 robots. 🤖 with bombs. 💣
wanna print 🐾 a brain? 🧠
some people 👨‍👧‍👧👬 have no ❌ friends. 🐕 some people 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 have no 🙈 food. 🌶🥩 the globe 🌏 is warming, ♨️ and the ocean 🦑 is full 🌝 of plastic!
"let's save 🔖🔖🔖 the planet!" 🌕🌔 said everybody, not 🚯 knowing how.
"let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. 😎
by the way, 🌌 where the hell are 👉 we? 🤔🤔🤔
thanks for watching ⌚👁 history
i hope 🙏 i 😀 mentioned everything
submitted by THEAppleMan_ to emojipasta [link] [comments]

if this doesnt work i lost hope

📷
Hi, you're on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of it's water. Fuck it, actually, most of it's water. I can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you.
H O W D I D T H I S H A P P E N ?
A long time ago... actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That's why it's been everywhere. It's been so everywhere, you don't need a "where". You don't even need a "when". That's how "every" it gets.
...
Forget this, I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. I want things to change, I want to invent time and space, and I know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. I just don't know when to start... and that's exactly where it started.

Woah, I paused it. I think there's a universe now. What's it made of?
Q U A R K S A N D S T U F F
Ah, that's a thing, in a place! Don't like it? Try a new place, at a different time. Try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier... but it's not empty yet. It's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

Great news! The quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" or a "neutron", and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's still too
H O T

Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! Some of them even doubled up.

Great news! The electrons have now joined in.
Congratulations, THE WORLD IS NOW a bunch of gas in space... but it's getting closer together...
<10 million years later>
...and it's getting closer together...
<500 million years later>
...and it's getting closer toget-
BOOMI T ' S A S T A R
New shit just got made! Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion and make some brand new way crazier shit.
S P A C E D U S T
...which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into
E V E N C R A Z I E R S P A C E D U S T
So now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. Like this ball of flaming rock, for example...

Holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks, and it kind of... made a mess, which is
N O W T H E M O O N
Weather update! It's raining rocks from outer space. Weather update! Those rocks might have had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. Weather update! Cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. Weather update! ...it's raining. Severe flooding alert! The entire world is now an ocean. Volcano alert!
T H A T 'S L A N D !
there's life in the ocean.
What?
S O M E T H I N G ' S A L I V E I N T H E O C E A N
Oh, cool! Like, a plant or an animal? No, a microscopic speck! It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever...

Oh yeah, and it can do that.

It has secret instructions written inside itself, telling it how to build another one of itself. So, that's pretty nifty, I would say. Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
N O W Y O U C A N E A T S U N L I G H T
"Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food."
T A S T E T H E S U N
Side effect: Now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the Earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
It's a sponge, it's a plant, it's a worm, and some other types of weird, stranger water bugs and strange fish.
I T ' S T H E C A M B R I A N E X P L O S I O N
Wow, that's animals and stuff, but we're still in the ocean. "Hey, can we go on land?"
N O
"Why?"
T H E S U N I S A D E A D L Y L A Z E R
"Oh, okay."

N O T A N Y M O R E T H E R E ' S A B L A N K E T
Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, let's go on land! "Nope, can't walk yet, and there's no food yet, so I don't care."
<100 million years later>
Okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "Maybe," said some bugs, and fish.
"Eh."
"Eh."
"Eh."

"Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to
H A V E B A B I E S
Idea: Learn to use an egg. "I was already doing that!" Use a stronger egg, put water in it, have a baby on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. "Works for me."
B Y E B Y E O C E A N
<50 million years later>
And now everything's huge, including bugs. Wanna see a map of the land? Sure.

Oh, fuck, now everything's dead. Just kidding, here are the survivors. Keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become...
<75 million years later>
...the dinosaurs. Here's another map of the land. Yeah, it broke apart. Don't worry about it, does that all the time. Here comes a meteor.

A N D T H E D I N O S A U R S A R E G O N E
It's mammal time, here come the mammals. Look at those breasts. Now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff and walk. No, like, walk like that, and grab stuff at the same time, and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
"Ouch."
And set things on fire.
"Yeouch."
And make crazy sounds with their voice.
"Gneurshk."
Which can mean different things.
T H A T ' S A H U M A N P E R S O N
And now they're everywhere...almost.
I C E A G E
What? You can walk over here? Cool!
N O T A N Y M O R E
Well, I guess we're stuck here. Let's review: There's people on the planet, and they're chasing their food. "Fuck it, time to plant some grass. Look at this, I get to control the food now. Now, everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because I own the food." This is great! I wonder if anyone else is doing this?
Tired of using rocks for everything? Use metal! It's underground. Better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
G U E S S W H A T H A P P E N S N E X T ?
More food, and more people who came to buy the food. Now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales, and now you need house for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.
S O C I E T Y
Coming soon to a dank river valley near you! Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? Tired of using lame, sad metal? Introducing:
B R O N Z E
Made from special ingredient: Tin, from the far lands of Tin Land. I don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. Also, guess what?
E G Y P T
Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Now we're getting somewhere. Also...
C H I N A
And did I mention...
I N D U S R I V E R V A L L E Y C I V I L I Z A T I O N

N O R T E C H I C O
The Middle East is getting more complicated. Maybe because it's in the middle of the East. Knock knock, er, clop clop, it's the people with the... horses, and they made an empire, and then everyone else copied their horses.
G R E E K S
Ah, look, it must be the Greeks... er, a beta version of the Greeks. Let's check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization... they're gone. Guess who's not gone?
C H I N AN E W A R R I V A L S I N I N D I A M A Y B E I T W A S T H O S E H O R S E P E O P L E I W A S T A L K I N G A B O U T O R T H E I R C O U S I N S O R S O M E T H I N G A N D T H E Y W R O T E S O M E H Y M N S A N D M A N T R A S A N D S T U F F
You could make a religion out of this.
There's the Bronze Age collapse.
N O W T H E P H O E N I C I A N S C A N G E T D O W N T O B U S I N E S S
Also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? Thanks. Look who came back to Israel: It's the twelve tribes of Israel.
A N D T H E Y B E L I E V E I N G O D
Just one, though. He's got, like, a ten step program.
Here's some huge heads, must be the Olmecs. The Phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. Here comes the Assyrian Empire. Never mind, it's the Babyloni- Media-
I T ' S T H E P E R S I A N E M P I R E
Wow, that's big.

Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened! "Who's the Buddha?" This guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. You could make a religion out of this!
Oops, China just broke, but while it was breaking, Confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
Ah, the Greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff, and right over here, Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian Empire. It's a great idea, he was great... and now he's dead. Hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
Knock knock, it's Chandragupta. He says "Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants?" "Okay, thanks, bye."
T I M E T O C O N Q U E R A L L O F I N D I A
Or...
M O S T O F I N D I A
But what about this part? That's the Tamil Kings, nobody conquers the Tamil Kings. Who are the Tamil Kings?
M E R C H A N T S P R O B A B L Y A N D T H E Y ' V E G O T S P I C E S
"Who would like to buy the spices?" "Me!" said the Arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
Hey, China put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. Actually, they have three main philosophies.



Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

Let's check the Greekification levels of the Greekified kingdoms. GREEKIFICATION OVERLOAD! "Bye," said the Parthians. "Bye," said the Jews. "Hi," said the Parthians, taking over the entire place. "Heeeeey" said the Romans, eating the entire Mediterranean for breakfast. "Thanks for invading our homeland," said the Jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
"Hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. You could make a religion out of this!
Want silk? Now you can buy it from China. They just made a
B R A N D N E W R O A D T O T H E W O R L D

Or you can
G E T T H E R E O N W A T E R
"Sick! New trade routes!" said India, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. Hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
There goes Buddhism, travelling up the Silk Road. I wonder if it will reach China before it collapses again?

Remember the Persian Empire? "Yep," said the Persians, making a new one. Axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. Has anyone populated Madagascar yet? Let's do it together!
C H I N A I S W H O L E A G A I NT H E N I T B R O K E A G A I N
Still can't cross the Sahara Desert? Try camels.
H E L L Y E A H N O W W E ' V E G O T B U S I N E S S
...said the Ghana Empire, selling lots of gold... and slaves.
"Hi, I'm a member of the Roman Empire, and I was wondering...
I S L O V I N G J E S U S L E G A L Y E T
"No."
"Actually, okay, sure," said Constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his
M A I N R I V A L
Don't worry about Rome, it won't fall.
I T ' S T H E G O L D E N A G E O F I N D I A
There's the Gupta Empire, not Chandragupta, just Gupta... first name Chandra... the First.
Guess who's in Rome?
B A R B A R I A N S
What's a barbarian? "Non-Romans," said the Romans, being invaded by non-Romans. R.I.P. Roman Empire... actually, just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in Rome anymore, so let's give it a new name.
T H E M A Y A N S H A V E F I G U R E D O U T T H E S T A R S
Oh, and here's a huge city. Population: Everyone. The Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian steppe. Great job, Göktürks. How's India? Broken. How's China?
B A C K T O G E T H E R
How's those trading kingdoms?
B I G G E R A N D T H E R E ' S M O R E O F T H E M
Korea has three kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom, it's the Sunrise Kingdom.

Deep in the Arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real God whispers in Muhammad's ear. So, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and tells them their gods are all fake, and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. You could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
The Roman empire is long gone, but somehow, the Pope is still the Pope. Plus, there's
N E W K I N G D O M S A L L O V E R E U R O P E
I wonder if there is room for Moors?
Here's all the wisdom in a house. It's the Baghdad House of Wisdom, just in time for the
I S L A M I C G O L D E N A G E
"Let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the Swahili on the Swahili Coast," said the Swahili on the Swahili Coast.
Remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? Someone owns that now!
Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe, and the Pope is so proud that he invites the King over for Christmas. "Surprise! You're the new Roman Emperor!" said the Pope, pretending to still be part of the Roman Empire. Then, the Franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called France and not-France.
The Northerners, or just "Norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. They go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. Two types of land, and they name them accordingly.


They also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "Vikings". There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus. Are they Vikings? "I don't think so," said the Kievan Rus. Okay, fair enough.
The Pope is ready to make some more emperors of the Roman Empire: The Holy Roman Empire. It's actually Germany, but don't worry about it.
New kingdoms!
*C H R I S T I A N I Z E A L L T H E K I N G D O M S
Which brand would you like?
"Mine's better."
"Mine's better."
"Mine's better."
"Time to conquer England," said William.
It's a bird, it's a plane!
I T ' S T H E S E L J U K T U R K S
"Aah!" said the Byzantine Empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "We need help!" They need help, so they call the Pope. "Hey Pope, can you help us get rid of the Seljuks, maybe take back the Holy Land on the way? C'mon, I know you want to take back the Holy Land." "Yes, I do actually want to do that. Let's do a Crusade."
C R U S A D E
They did many Crusades, some of which almost didn't fail, but at least the Italians got some sweet trade deals.
Goodbye Mayans.
H E L L O T O L T E C S
Goodbye Toltecs.
H E L L O M I S S I S S I P P I
Look at those mounds.
There's the Pueblo. I always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
Guess who's here? Khmer. Where? Here, and Pagan is there. Vietnam unconquered itself, Korea just became itself, and Japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. China just invented bombs and typing, and the Mongols just invaded most of the Universe. Nice going, Genghis! I bet that will last a long time.

Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected by the Mongol invasions because they were too busy invading India.
Is it Tonga time? I think it's Tonga time.

I just figured out where the Swahili gets all their gold. Look at this chad! It means "lake". There's an empire there, right in the middle of
A F R I C A
The King of Mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "Wow, that guy's rich," everyone said.
The Christians are doing a great job reconquering Iberia, which will soon be called Spain and not-Spain. Please remain Christian, we will check in later to see if you are still Christian when you least expect it.
Whoops, half of Europe just died.
M I N G
China's back, yay!
Hey, Khmer, time to share. New kingdoms, here and there. Oh, look who controls all the islands, it's the Mahajapit.

Majahapit.

Mapajahit.

Mahapajit.

Mapajahit.

Ma... ja... pa... hit?

Oh, Italy's real rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. It's kinda like a rebirth. Here's a printer, let's make books!
So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire? "Yep," said the Ottoman Turks. Nice job, Ottoman Turks. Oops, you missed a spot. Don't forget to ban Europe from the Indian spice trade. "What? That's bullshit!" said Portugal, spiceless.
W E L L I G U E S S W E ' L L H A V E T O F I N D A N O T H E R W A Y T O I N D I A
"Wait!" said Christopher Columbus, probably smoking crack. "If the world is round, let's go this way to India!" "Nah, don't worry, we already got this," said Portugal. So, Chris goes to Spain. "Hey Spain, wanna hire me to find India by going around back of the world?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No." "wtf"
"Please?"
"...okay."
So he sails into the ocean and discovers... more ocean, and then discovers the Indies and Japan! Let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
The Aztec and the Inca empires are off to a great start. I wonder if they know that Europe just discovered their continent.
The Habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
Move over, Lithuania, here comes Moscow. Ivan wants to make Russia great again. Move over, Timurids, maybe go invade India or something. Persia just made Persia Persian again. Let's make it the other kind of Islam, the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy.
"Hey Christians, do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of Hell!" "That's bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that's a scam, fuck the Church, here's 95 reasons why," said Martin Luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.
"You know what would be magnificent?" said Suleiman, wearing an onion hat. "What if the Ottoman Empire was... really big?" which it is now. "What if Russia was big?" said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.
Portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire Indian Ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. And Spain realized that this is not India, but they pillaged it anyway. "Damn," said England and France, "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." Then the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to Amsterdam. "Damn," said Amsterdam, "...we gotta start pillaging some stuff."
Question one: Can you get to India from North America? No, but at least there's beaver. Question two: Steal the spice trade. That's not a question, but the Dutch did it anyway.
S U G A R
Guess where all the sugar is made? In Brazil... stolen! In the Caribbean, and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to do slavery.
The next thing on Russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
Britain and France are having a friendly discussion about who should control the world, more specifically, Ohio. Then, it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving Prussia a chance to show Austria who's boss. But, what about Britain and France, did they figure out who's boss? Yes, they did, it's Britain. Guess who's broke? Also Britain. So, they start taxing the hell out of America. "Fuck you!" said America, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and France helps them win. Now, France is broke, and Britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
Wait, if France is broke, why do the King and Queen still wear such fancy dresses? "Let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said Robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. You can make a reli-
No, don't.
Haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "Why didn't we think of this before?"
Wait, who's in charge of France now?
M E
Said Napoleon, trying to take over Europe. Luckily, they banished him to an island.
B U T H E C A M E B A C K
Luckily, they banished him to another island.
There goes Latin America, becoming independent in the Latin American wars of independence.
Britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make
M A N Y D I F F E R E N T T Y P E S O F M A C H I N E S A N D F A C T O R I E S W I T H M A C H I N E S I N T H E M S O T H E Y C A N M A K E A L O T O F P R O D U C T S R E A L F A S T
Then they invent some trains and conquer India, and maybe put some trains there. "Hey, China!" said Britain, "buy stuff from us!" "Nah dude, we already got everything," says China, so Britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then China made it illegal and dumped it all in the sea, so Britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
Britain and Russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering Afghanistan. Also,
T H E S U L T A N O F O M A N L I V E S I N Z A N Z I B A R N O W
That's just where he lives.
India just had a revolution and they would like to govern themselves now. "Nope," said Britain, governing them even harder than before.

T E C H N O L O G Y I S A B O U T T O G O C R A Z Y
The United States finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. It's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the Mexicans too.
"I know, let's rape Africa!" said Europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.
T H E Y N E V E R G O T E T H I O P I ^^^^^^A
Britain and France are still hungry.
T H E Y N E V E R G O T T H A I L A N ^^^^^^D
The United States ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.
H A W A I IC U B A
Wait, Spain controls Cuba. "Well, blame something on them and go to war. What should we blame on Spain?"

"Let's blame the Maine on Spain." So they blame the Maine on Spain. Now we're in business. To celebrate, they kick Panama out of Panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
Britain just found oil in the Middle East.
I T M A K E S C A R S G ^^^^^^O
China is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government... which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
Europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start World War One. Look at those guns! It's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. After it's over, they blame Germany.
Russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government, now everyone's paycheck is the same.
C O M M U N I S M I N T H E S O V I E T U N I O N
The Arabs revolt and Britain helps, now the Ottoman Empire is gone, so we can give the
J E W I S H P E O P L E A P L A C E T O L I V E
Hopefully the Arabs won't mind.
"Let's cut the cake!" said Sykes and Picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-Ottoman-anymore-empire.
E X C E P T T U R K E Y T U R K E Y M A K E S A B R A N D N E W T U R K E Y
And then the Saudis conquer Arabia. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

"Hello?" "Yes, it's the 1920's calling. Let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies! The economy is great and it will probably be great forever... just kidding."
Germany's back, featuring Hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the Jews for existing.
Japan is finally conquering the East, and they're so excited, they rape Nanking way too hard. They should probably just deny it.
Hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the Jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.
T H A T ' S W O R L D W A R T W O
Bonus round! Pacific Showdown! United States vs. Japan! FIGHT!


Finish him!

Let's unite all the nations and have some
W O R L D P E A C E
Seems legit.
"Hi, I'm Gandhi, and if Britain doesn't get the hell out of India, I'm going to starve myself in public."

"Wow, that worked?"
Bonus, now there's Pakistan. Actually, two Pakistans. One of them can be Bangladesh later.
The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "Me!" they both said at the same time. Let's divide up the lands so we're both happy.
S I K E ! T H E Y B O T H G E T A N G R I E R
Look out, China! There's a new China in China! What's on the menu? Communism! "No thanks," said the other China, escaping to an island. I wonder which one is the real China?
There's the Korean War, Korea vs. Korea! Nobody wins, then it's on pause forever. Let's meet the sponsors. Oh, it's the two global superpowers. They're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of Satan.
And they both have atom bombs.
FIGHT!
Wait, no, that would be the end of the world. Let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead... and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "I'll race you to space!"


Now let's make more countries fight themselves.
Europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged, so here's a new map with new countries. Now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.
The United States finally decided whether racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad and the world agrees. South Africa might need another minute to think about it.
Let's check the world population!

Woah.
Okay.
The Soviet Union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart.
Europe makes a union so now they can all use the same money, except Britain, because they don't feel likt it.
Let's check the mail. Surprise, it's on the computer!
Whoops, someone just attacked America, I bet they'll remember that.
Phone call. Surprise, it's in your pocket! Wanna learn everything? Surprise, it's on the computer! Now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket!
Whoops, the economy just crashed. Don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to.
Surprise! Flying robots... with bombs!

Wanna print a brain?
Some people have no friends. Some people have no food. The globe is warming.
A N D T H E O C E A N I S F U L L O F P L A S T I C
"Let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how.
"Let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. That's pretty cool.
By the way, where the hell are we?
THANKS FOR WATCHING HISTORY I HOPE I MENTIONED EVERYTHING

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